Monday, April 27, 2009

How to run yourself out of business by assuring you hire lamoes

Throughout this blog it has been prophesized that companies are killing themselves. There is really no reason for all the layoffs. Our economy is still vital.


You can see that on the byways that are packed with cars during rush hour. Trains are full of commuters going to work. There hasn’t even been a 20 percent decrease in gasoline purchases by consumers from two years ago.


That’s a vital economy. Yet weekly 600,000 people are losing their jobs. As pointed out, two of those laid off ended up winning the Pulitzer. Companies are getting rid of their intelligent, creative staff; keeping the “safe” who have never done anything for the bottom line and never will.


Want to make sure you hire more of those safe lamoes? Here’s a sure fire way of doing it. Since some of those 600,000 per week are destitute, they’re using computers at job centers, libraries or some place with a time limit.


Now, realizing that, make them apply online – not at a site like Career Builder, Jobing or anywhere you can store a resume, click and be through and apply to many jobs. Make them apply at YOUR site. Even direct them away from the site where they have their resume and cover letter stored to YOUR site.


Then ask lots of questions, like what is your social security number, what high school did you go to, and then 15 or 16 questions before they can create a password at YOUR site.


To really make sure you’re hiring the lamoes who will help run you out of business because they’re too slow to comprehend anything and will spend the half- to one-hour it will take filling out your application (they’re slow, the tortoise, not the hare – after all, that’s what you want, right?) add a personality questionnaire with 26 pages of questions five questions deep per page – if you see another employee stealing a stapler would you A) Go to the manager, B) Keep quiet, C) ignore it, D) talk to your minister.


The correct answer is – sell them staples to go with that stapler they’re stealing. You want that person in your business; not the lamoes willing to spend two hours filling out your questionnaire when they are on a time limit. They’re willing to come back three or four times to your site and fill out the questionnaire. What sort of work performance will that person give you?



You say you want that because you won’t feel threatened? Then you evidently don’t own the company or have any sense of what company owners think about.


Recently, a large college hired a copy writer. They had real achievers to choose from. Some who have pushed their blogs from the 80-million to the top 10 percent. Yet they hired the 20-something lamo who had a business degree from their institution; one where the hardest test question was how do you tie your shoe lace and the correct answer was you don’t, Velcro doesn’t need tying.


The person hiring had no sense of duty to her shareholders. These are the people keeping their jobs while the creative ones are being dropped to the tune of 600,000 per week.


Here are some interview questions you should be asking instead of the standard ones – do you know any of our board members personally (I lost a job at a college because I knew two and the hiring manager was threatened)? What is our stock trading at today and last year? Name three of our largest shareholders. How many outstanding shares of stock do we have? I also lost an airline job because I came in with the carrier’s load factor, profits, where the next cities they were going to open gates in. A woman right out of college who knew public relations stood for press releases became this company’s Public Relations Director. She still has the job after 20 years and her paper clip bowl is immaculate – and the company lost money last quarter.

3 comments:

  1. This is true. If Exec's figure out they have smart people on hand, normally these are the first to go. One way to lose a job is to sound/be creative when business challenges arise ;) The lamoes like you said are "safe" and non-threatening to other Managers. This article also includes managers who are unable to evaluate their staff and put them in places for success. Or is this by design? You're dealing with egos and money - a recipe for disaster in the work place.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Derek - if you're reading this, MySpace has blocked me from my account. I sent them the backside of Keith Moon's "Two Sides of the Moon" for my photo. Lamoes everywhere.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow that sucks - may explain why Myspace has replaced/hired new Exec's. When I tried to post a song with Song.ly, I was told it was spam and wanted to suspend my account. Luckily they did not. Maybe they considered the "moon" as explicit.

    ReplyDelete